Interactions
by xPanda-Universex
Summary: Just random, cringey interactions between your favorite Gems and humans (that sometimes don't make sense). Expect horror, drama, romance, and satire. Requests for interactions are open.
1. Hamburgers

**Panda:** Welcome to Interactions, everyone! You might know me as the author of _Gems and Lemons_. I started doing random character interactions at the start of each chapter, starting with Chapter 3 (I believe), and wanted to expand on some of those ideas. Requests are wide open, but not on GAL. Characters will be OOC, and there will be A LOT of cursing. I hope you enjoy this as much I do. :D

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe (though I kinda wish I did). All characters belong to Rebecca Sugar, the Crewniverse, and Cartoon Network._

* * *

 **Scenario: Jenny, Lars, Sour Cream, and Buck want hamburgers, but can't decide what they're gonna get.**

 **Jenny:** Y'all, I'm craving for a burger right now.

 **Sour Cream:** Same.

 **Buck:** Me too.

 **Lars:** I can go for one.

 **Buck:** There's a burger place over there.

(He points to a nearby counter. The quartet walk over there.)

 **Peedee:** Hey guys! What can I get ya?

 **Jenny:** Hold on a second, we'll have a look. *she turns to the others* So what do y'all want?

 **Sour Cream:** I don't know, we've never even been here!

 **Buck:** SC, look at the menu and see if there's anything you'd like.

 **Sour Cream:** Shut the fuck up, Buck. I'm not 8.

 **Buck:** You have the mentality of an 8 year old, man. Even _Onion_ is smarter than you.

 **Sour Cream:** Take that back.

 **Buck:** No.

 **Sour Cream:** _Take that back._

 **Buck:** No!

 **Sour Cream:** *seething* _**Take that back.**_

 **Buck:** Calm down, ya bastard.

 **Sour Cream:** WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

 **Buck:** A B-A-S-T-A-R-D.

 **Lars:** Guys! Calm down!

 **Buck and Sour Cream (simultaneously):** No! Hey! Stop copying me! Fuck off! No, you fuck off. JENNNNNYYYYY!

 **Jenny:** Oh my God, do you guys ever shut up?

 **Buck and Sour Cream:** FUCK OFF.

(The duo proceeds to scream their heads off.)

 **Jenny:** What the fuck? Y'all called ME!

(Lars starts pulling Jenny's arm at this point.)

 **Lars:** Just leave them, Jen.

 **Jenny:** No, Lars! They wanna fight, I'll give them a fight.

(Jenny punches Buck.)

(The trio are a mess of screams, punches, and kicks.)

 **Jenny:** WHICH ONE OF Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS GRABBED MY BOOB!

 **Buck:** WHICH ONE OF YOU BROKE MY SUNGLASSES. NOT COOL.

(Lars facepalms.)

 **Lars:** I'm so sorry, Peedee. We're just hungry for burgers.

(Peedee hesitates.)

 **Peedee:** Um, Lars. You guys know that this a French fry place, not a burger place, right?

 **Lars:** 3, 2, 1.

(Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny immediately pause fighting and look up. Sour Cream is holding Buck's shattered glasses. Jenny is holding onto Sour Cream's hood. Buck is holding onto Jenny's purse.)

 **Buck, Jenny, and Sour Cream:** FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

* * *

 **Panda:** Don't forget to leave a review!


	2. Some Beautiful White Crocs

**Panda:** Here's chapter 2! This is based on the White Diamond and Steven comic by ben-alsyght on Tumblr.

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe (though I kinda wish I did). All characters belong to Rebecca Sugar, the Crewniverse, and Cartoon Network._

* * *

 **Scenario: White Pearl, White Diamond, and Steven's conversation.**

 **White Pearl:** Pink Diamond, your presence is required.

 **Yellow Diamond:** Can we-

 **White Pearl:** Did I stutter, you fucking giraffe? I said Pink Diamond.

 **Yellow Diamond:** Why you little-

 **Blue Diamond:** Calm down, Yellow. Pink can handle herself, right Pink?

 **Steven:** For the last time, it's _STEVEN._ And I'm a BOY.

 **Blue Diamond:** She'll do fine.

(Yellow Diamond breathes in deeply.)

 **Yellow:** Be careful, Pink.

(Steven nods. He is encased in a white orb of light, next to the Pearl. She looks at him, her one eye blank. Steven feels uneasy.)

 **Steven:** Why do you keep looking at me like that?

 **White Pearl:** *in a robotic voice* I was not aware Pink Diamond made herself of the opposite gender, nor short and fat.

(Steven does his best to ignore her, her comment slightly pissing me off.)

 **White Pearl:** I am curious, how many humans did you fornicate with to look like that?

 **Steven:** Fornicate? What does that mean?

 **White Pearl:** How do you not know? The "bang bang". The bees and the birds. The making of human babies?

(Steven blushes, not expecting that White Pearl knew more about human sex than he did. The duo arrive at White Diamond's head-shaped ship.)

 **White Pearl:** My Diamond, your "Starlight" is here.

(White Diamond turns around, her arms in a T-pose. She is wearing blinding white Crocs.)

 **White Diamond:** Thank you, Pearl. You are dismissed.

 **White Pearl:** *bows* It is an honor to be of service to you, White Diamond.

(Her arms lift in a T-pose. She exits the ship in another orb of white light.)

(White Diamond turns to Steven.)

 **Steven:** *stammering at the beauty of her Crocs* H-hi… W-W-White-

 **White Diamond:** 'SUP BITCH!

(Steven takes a step back in surprise.)

 **Steven:** What-

 **White Diamond:** WE THOUGHT YOU DIED.

 **Steven:** I can explain. Pink-

(White Diamond's eyes widen. They are bloodshot. She clearly hasn't slept in nearly 6,000 years.)

 **White Diamond:** AND WHERE THE FUCK HAVE _YOU_ BEEN?!

 **Steven:** I'm not-

 **White Diamond:** AND WHY ARE YOU SO FAT?!

(Steven furrows his eyebrows in annoyance.)

 **Steven:** I'm a hum-

 **White Diamond:** *her volume lowers dramatically* And do you know how many times I found Blue crying at the door to my ship? Are you _unaware_ that she sounds like a FUCKING WHALE?

 **Steven:** OH MY FUCKING GOD LET ME TALK YOU PINEAPPLE-LOOKING PIECE OF SHIT!

 **White Diamond:** °o°

 **Steven:** …

 **White Diamond:** …

 **Steven:** …

 **White Diamond:** …

 **Steven:** …

(White Diamond suddenly swoops down and snatches Steven. She brings him closer to her face.)

 **White Diamond** : Do you see now that because of you, I lost MY DAMN BET?

(A white orb suddenly enters the ship. It disappears and reveals White Pearl. A big grin is on her face. She dabs.)

 **White Pearl:** *still with a robotic voice* YA-YEET!

 **White Diamond:** …

 **White Pearl:** …

 **Steven:** …

 **White Diamond:** …

 **White Pearl:** …

 **Steven:** …

 **White Diamond:** …

 **White Pearl:** …

 **Steven:** …

 **White Diamond:** I should have shattered you all those years ago.

(Steven suddenly remembers his phone is with him. He dials Kofi's phone number, which is still under Garnet's possession after nearly two years.)

 **Steven:** Hey, guys? Can y'all pick me up now? I think she's gonna kill me.

* * *

 **Panda:** Don't forget to leave a review! By the way, the reason I'll be more active with this story rather than GAL is because these are just random blurbs I get in my mind during the day. It takes about 15 minutes to complete a chapter, while it takes longer to make a well thought-out lemon, with a plot I more or less have to make up.


	3. Where To, Guys?

**Panda:** cHaPTeR 3 gUys!

* * *

 **Scenario: Takes place after Reunited. The Gems never return to Homeword. This is the afterparty.**

 **Connie:** Steven, you're alive!

(She hugs him tightly. Steven smiles.)

 **Steven:** It's gonna take a lot for me to break!

 **Lapis:** Just two weeks ago, you cried when we looked at the leaves.

(Steven whimpers.)

 **Steven:** WHAT IF THEY DON'T GO WHERE THEY PLAN TO GO? THEY HAVE FAMILIES!

(Peridot tilts her head in confusion.)

 **Peridot:** That is strange. I was led to think that leaves are inanimate objects with no purpose but to fall. They certainly are not advanced like humans to have a "family".

 **Steven:** Everyone and everything has a family, Peridot.

 **Lapis and Peridot:** We don't.

(Bismuth barges in, her armor glinting.)

 **Bismuth:** Why are we all here yapping about leaves when we should be having a party!

(The gems agree. Garnet walks to the stairs and sits. No one notices her.)

 **Garnet:** Oh no.

 **Steven:** Why can't we have it right here? On the beach? It can be Ruby and Sapphire's afterparty!

 **Pearl:** No, no, Steven. It will get windy later. Do you want everyone to get sand and water in their eyes?

 **Lapis:** Hey, what's wrong with water?

(Amethyst senses the tension and butts in.)

 **Amethyst:** Why can't we have it at the beach house?

(Bismuth ponders on this.)

 **Bismuth:** It should be someplace new, to represent Ruby and Sapphire's new beginning.

 **Steven:** What about the Big Donut?

 **Peridot:** It's too small for all of us and the humans to fit in, Steven.

 **Steven:** That's true. Lion will probably hog all the space to look at the Lion Lickers.

 **Blue Diamond:** We can have it in my ship!

 **Yellow Diamond:** Nonsense, Yellow. Everything there is blue. It'll make everyone depressed.

 **Blue Diamond:** *snorts* Well do _you_ have a better idea, dear sister?

(Yellow Diamond smiles haughtily.)  
 **Yellow Diamond:** As a matter of fact, I do. Two words: my ship.

 **Peridot:** Maybe we should go somewhere that _doesn't_ scar everyone here?

(Yellow Diamond turns to Peridot.)

 **Yellow Diamond:** And who are you again?

 **Peridot:** A gem who's more respectful than you, you clod.

(Yellow Diamond snarls, but is immediately calmed by Blue Diamond.)

 **Blue Diamond:** Please, Yellow, not today.

 **Lapis:** Again, what's wrong with _water?_

 **Pearl:** Humans do not have the capability to breathe in water, Lapis.

 **Lapis:** *grumbles* Well they should.

(Bismuth steps in.)

 **Bismuth:** O-okay guys. Let's calm down a little.

 **Lapis:** *volume of voice rising* And who do you think you are?

(Bismuth gets a dark look in her eyes.)

 **Bismuth:** The one who poofed you 5,346 years ago, bitch. And I will do it again.

(Her gem glows threateningly.)

(Lapis raises her hand, a giant water hand forming from the ocean behind her.)

 **Lapis:** Try me, you gummy worm slut.

 **Connie:** STOP IT! WE'RE HERE TO HAVE A MOTHERFUCKING PARTY, NOT A FIGHT!

(The gems look at her in shock, not expecting her outburst.)

 **Garnet:** 3… 2… 1…

 **Priyanka Maheswaran:** *shocked* Connie! Who taught you such language!

(She turns to the Gems.)

I am so sorry for her potty mouth! You should know better, dear.

 **Steven:** *sweats* Okay, back to the party.

 **Peridot:** *shouting* OUR BARN HAS PLENTY OF SPACE!

 **Pearl:** Humans normally don't want to party in a dark and dusty place, Peridot.

 **Peridot, Lapis, and Uncle Andy:** What the fuck did you just call the barn?

 **Bismuth:** We should have it in my forge!

 **Steven:** Humans can't tolerate a high amount of heat, Bismuth.

 **Bismuth:** Damn it.

 **Amethyst:** I'll be making the executive decision that the party should be in my room.

 **Pearl:** Your room is _filthy_ , Amethyst!

 **Amethyst:** Hey, you can't say that about my room! It has plenty of character and is _not_ dirty!

(The fighting continues. Steven facepalms.)

 **Steven:** Well, guess I'll go die now.

(He jumps in the ocean and drowns.)

(The gems are shocked.)

* * *

 **The Crystal Gems and Connie/Yellow and Blue Diamond:** STEVEN!/PINK!

What should I put here lol


	4. Pool Thoughts

**Panda:** help what do i put here lmfao

* * *

 **Scenario: Lapis, Peridot, Amethyst, and Steven are hanging out in the pool in front of the barn.**

(Amethyst and Steven walk to Peridot and Lapis, holding a basket, sunglasses, sunscreen, and towels. Pumpkin is frolicking in the corn. Peridot is wearing a white tank top and her alien shorts. Lapis is wearing a two-piece bathing suit and is casually wading in the water. They look up as Steven and Amethyst enter.)

 **Lapis:** Hi, Steven!

 **Peridot:** Greetings, you two.

(Steven waves.)

 **Steven:** It's great seeing you guys!

(He pauses.)

Wow, Lapis. You really fixed this place up!

 **Amethyst:** Yeah, Lappy. It's awesome.

 **Lapis:** Don't call me Lappy. *under her breath* you purple gremlin.

(Steven and Amethyst survey the pool. It has increased in size and depth than the last time they visited. Colorful rocks lined the edges of the pool, and a smooth, white staircase disappears into the depths of the teal water.)

 **Steven:** It's amazing, Lapis.

(Lapis smiles.)

 **Lapis:** Thank you, Steven.

(Peridot pouts.)

 **Peridot:** What about what I did?! I made the stairs, collected the rocks, made the pool wider and deeper, and made these goddamn flotation devices!

(She throws a green dinosaur floatie in their direction, but the slight breeze carries it back and hits her in the face. She tears it away from her and snarls at it. Lapis shrugs.)

 **Lapis:** Yeah, I just did the water.

 **Steven:** -_-

 **Amethyst:** -_-

 **Steven:** Let's play a game, guys!

 **Peridot:** What is a "game"?

 **Steven:** Well… it's like a competition, but for fun.

 **Peridot:** I LOVE COMPETITIONS!

(She summons a nearby rock and throws it in Amethyst's direction, hitting her square in the stomach.)

 **Amethyst:** Uuf! What the _hell_ , P-dot.

(Lapis chuckles)

 **Steven:** *sweats* No, not that competitive, Peridot.

 **Peridot:** I see. I apologize, Amethyst.

 **Amethyst:** You can go to hell.

 **Peridot:** What is a "hell"?

 **Lapis:** It's-

 **Amethyst:** It's a place where all intelligent gems go!

(Peridot's face lightens up.)

 **Peridot:** I am intrigued. When can I go to hell?

(Amethyst and Lapis cackle, leaving a confused Steven.)

 **Steven:** Okay, guys, I think we're getting a little too off-topic here. Let's play Shower- er, well… Pool Thoughts!

(Lapis sits up.)

 **Lapis:** How do you play?

 **Steven:** We all sit inside the pool in a circle, and think of things that make us confused, as in doubt our existence.

 **Peridot:** But I'm already doubting my existence! I went from a loyal Homeworld Peridot to a fucking green Dorito midget with alien shorts!

 **Steven:**...Just, in general. Put yourself in a human's place.

 **Lapis:** That sounds like fun.

 **Amethyst:** Yeahhhh, let's do this!

(Amethyst jumps into the pool, splashing the two gems already in it. When she relaxes at the edge, she notices she has a tiny crack in her gem. She thinks that she can stop by Rose's Fountain later.)

 **Peridot:** Who wants to go first?

(Steven waves his hand excitedly, slowly going into the pool.)

 **Peridot:** Alright, Steven.

(He ponders for a moment.)

 **Steven:** In order to fall asleep, you have to pretend to be asleep.

 **Lapis:** This is why I don't fucking sleep.

 **Amethyst:** What time is it?

(She looks at Peridot's tablet behind the gem. It is 4:57 PM)

It's way too early for this.

 **Lapis:** Ooooh, I have one!

 **Steven:** Go, Lapis!

 **Lapis:** You know that ship? The Titanic? It sinking must've made all of the uncooked fish, clams, and lobsters happy.

 **Steven:** But it didn't make the corpses happy.

 **Lapis:** I'm glad I'm not a human.

 **Steven:** I'm half-human, Lapis.

 **Peridot:** Pick me next! PICK ME NEXT!

 **Amethyst:** Geez, calm down Peridot…

(Pumpkin trots in, barking happily.)

 **Peridot:** I wonder what Pumpkin named me.

(Amethyst snickers.)

 **Amethyst:** Probably something like Nacho.

 **Lapis:** Or Jalapeño Doritos.

 **Steven:** Or the Triangle Midget!

(The three burst into fits of laughter. Peridot is obviously not pleased.)

 **Peridot:** SHUT UP!

 **Steven:** Sorry, Peridot, we were joking.

(Amethyst quickly glances down at her gem, and sees that it reached a little more than halfway across the purple surface.)

 **Amethyst:** *hastily* My turn!

(The three turn to her.)

 **Amethyst:** What is our purpose in life?

(Steven quickly notices the crack in Amethyst's gem. He gasps.)

 **Steven:** Amethyst!

 **Lapis:** We can take you to Rose's Fountain!

 **Peridot:** AMETHYST!

(Amethyst smiles weakly.)

 **Amethyst:** Hasta la vista, motherfuckers.

(Her gems explodes into a thousand shards, coloring the water purple.)

 **Steven:** Yay! Purple water!

* * *

 **I'm getting really behind on my stories y'all I'm so sorry**


	5. Spill the Tea, Pink

**Panda:** Happy November, ya rocksSsSsSsSs

* * *

 **Scenario: Pink forces the other Diamonds to have a tea party.**

(Yellow Diamond is sitting on her throne, tapping away at her screens. Her Pearl stands next to the throne, awaiting further instructions.)

 **Yellow:** Nephrite 8X2G, awaiting permission to fix unstable pods. Granted.

…

Peridot 3E2W, reporting 194 new Gems in the Gamma Kindergarten. 58 Rubies, 23 Amethysts, 2 Milky Quartzes, 5 Jaspers, 70 Pearls, 16 Tourmalines, 13 Ambers, 3 Beryls, 4 Citrines. Excellent.

…

Chalcedony 6TY9, reporting the successful corruption of the unstable Rutile, and thanking me for my insight. At least there are a few gems that appreciate me.

(Pink suddenly runs in, unaccompanied by her Pearl. The little white bobs on her pink flats dancing.)

 **Pink:** Yellow! Yellow!

 **Yellow:** What do you need, Pink?

(Pink looks up at her with pleading eyes.)

 **Pink:** Can you have a tea party with me? Pretty please?

 **Yellow:** I'm busy right now, Pink. Come back after a cycle or two.

 **Pink:** But you never make time for me!

 **Yellow:** I don't care what you say, Pink. I simply don't have the time. And you can't force me to get up and follow you.

(Pink grins.)

 **Pink:** Oh yeah?

* * *

(Pink has been screaming and wailing for 3 hours straight now, even when Yellow got sick of her whining and poofed her twice. She would just reform and continue screaming. Her Pearl is curled up on the floor, sobbing and grimacing, pressing her fingers hard to her ears.)

 **Pink:** YELLOW! YELLOW! YELLOW! TEA PARTY! PLEASE! Bitch.

 **Yellow:** What the hell did you just call me?

 **Pink:** YELLOW, YELLOW, YELLOW, YELLOW, YELLOW!

 **Yellow:** IF I GO WITH YOU CAN YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?

(Pink grins.)

 **Pink:** Yayyyyyyyy…

 **Yellow Pearl:** *sniffing* Oh thank Gem.

* * *

(Blue is in her room, relaxing with her Pearl. Cucumber slices are over their eyes, and they are relaxing in the cool room wrapped in white, fluffy robes. Soft music from Era 1 is playing in the background.)

 **Blue:** Hmmmm. Isn't this nice, Pearl.

 **Blue Pearl:** Indeed, my Diamond. These Earthen rituals are very invigorating.

 **Blue:** We should do this more often, and have Yellow try this. It will certainly make her calm down for at least a cycle or two.

(Pink and Yellow enter the room.)

 **Yellow:** Wow, Blue, harsh. I didn't know you felt that way about me.

 **Blue:** Sorry, but it's true. What are you two doing in here anyway?

 **Yellow:** Can't a few Diamonds visit their sister without being questioned?

 **Blue:** Pink, why are you here?

 **Pink:** Can you please have a tea party with me and Yellow?

 **Blue:** I'm sorry, love, but as you can see, we're kind of busy right now.

 **Pink:** *huffs* Please?

(Blue looks from Pink to Yellow, then Yellow to Pink, then from Pink to her robe. She sighs, rises, and takes off the robe, revealing her blue dress underneath. She sees her Pearl disrobing as well, but stops her.)

 **Blue:** Pearl, you have my permission to stay here for the rest of the cycle.

 **Blue Pearl:** Thank you, my lustrous Diamond.

 **Pink:** Yayyyyyy!

 **Yellow:** Why did you agree to this…

 **Pink:** Now, let's go to White!

 **Yellow:** Oh no.

* * *

(White and her Pearl are sparring in White's ship, each holding swords. They've both appeared to have fought a while, as White's massive cape was torn, and one of her Pearl's buns got loose. Blue, Yellow, and Pink suddenly enter, only to nearly get poofed by the blade of White's sword.)

 **Pink:** White! White!

(White's sword disappears into a flash of sparkles, and she drops down to Pink, completely ignoring Blue and Yellow.)

 **White:** Good afternoon, Starlight. Why are you here?

 **Pink:** Can you have a tea party with us please?

 **White:** Say no more. Pearl, please get the necessary supplies. Training will commence tomorrow at the same time.

 **White Pearl:** Affirmative, My Diamond.

 **White:** Don't you think it should be just the two of us?

 **Yellow:** But Whi-

(White silently poofs Blue and Yellow by taking another sword from her gem and slashing it through the air once.)

 **White:** There, that's much better.

(White Pearl walks up to the duo, the Diamond symbol over her chest. When Pink looks, there is a large table with a magnificent silver tablecloth, a gigantic pot of peppermint tea, as well as pastries such as scones and assorted breads.)

 **White Pearl:** My Diamond, Pink Diamond, it is ready.

(White holds her hand towards Pink.)

 **White:** Well, shall we go?

 **Pink:** Yayyy! Thank you, White!

* * *

 **Panda:** I feel like this is a really cute chapter. Just pretend White Pearl isn't fucked up lol. R&R!


End file.
